Background: Our next door neighbors, at the time were very weird to begin with. She (I’ll call her Icky Vicki with good reason and not just because she is -I’d have to say between 225 and 250 pounds) was married to her husband at the time. They had/have two kids, a daughter (I’ll call her Alesha who was pretty descent looking- must have gotten that from her Dad’s side, who knows) who just turned 18 and a retarded son (We’ll call him Michael) who was 20 something (I really don’t know his age but makes no difference). Then theres the famous “Bill” (Alesha’s soon to be husband) but we’ll get to that later.
They lived there way before we ever moved in next door. So, hearing some of the stories about them from the other neighbors must be semi true. For example, our neighbors on the other side of us state that when Alesha was growing up she was NEVER allowed to play outside - EVER. That alone to me sends up some red flags but thats just one story and to give you a little history about the type of family they were. When ever we saw them outside we said “Hi” to be nice and neighborly but other then that the interaction was kept to a minimum.
Now the Story: 4 years later, Icky Vicky’s husband leaves her and moves out, Alesha moves out with her soon to be husband. So now, Icky is in the house with her retarded son and this is when things start to get weird. On occasion when trying to hurry up to get into the house from coming home (from where ever) when we saw Icky outside (doing what ever it is she was doing) just so that we didn’t have to talk to her (which we almost always got stopped by her to talk about stupid bullshit - actually its kinda funny as we pull in the drive way my wifes first response was “Oh my God, there she is” and I would start to plan how we would get into the house with out any interaction between us and Icky, I’d say something like “Don’t look at her just go straight to the front door and don’t even wave…”). That’s how we know about everything that happened to her: husband leaving, daughter leaving etc…bah bah bullshit. Not to mention she has this disease …. that she says, makes her twitch. The weird thing is or the funny thing is (depending on how you look at it) when ever she started to talk about her “disease” and or talk about coming back from her doctor her arms would start twitching. Now, I noticed unfortunately when ever our paths crossed the only time she would twitch is when she was actually trying to start a conversation with me about her disease. When at times she stopped me before to talk she did not twitch. So basically when she engaged in conversation regarding her disease she twitched, otherwise when she wasn’t talking about her disease she was fine. Coincidence? Something bigger underlying here? I think so. Later on, my wife would comment that Icky only tried to talk to me and when my wife was outside she would not even look at her to say “hi”.
One night in winter Icky comes knocking on our door. I let her and her son in (the retarded one) and she explains that she wants me to look up some specific cartoon videos for her son (Yu-gi-o or how ever the fuck you say it) since she does not have Internet access. So I pull out my laptop and start searching for this cartoon. Michael, sits down on the couch. Icky is still standing there. My wife says “Why don’t you have a seat?” to Icky. Icky then replies with “No thanks, I don’t want to get your couch all messy. Because you know its that time of the month for me.”. At this point I lost track of what I was doing and became very sick to my stomach and very disgusted. I immediatley closed the laptop and told them “Sorry, couldn’t find anything” and quickly ushered them out the front door. Okay first of all, I don’t need to know when your on the rag. Although I appreciate the fact that she didn’t make a mess on our couch but that fact remains, she didn’t have to go there. I mean come on???? What woman has to explain to someone else why she can’t sit down? Has she not heard of a product called a tampon? Or maybe a pad? Was she going commando on her period? WTF?????????? In our House!!!! OMG I am getting sick as I type this… Again, picture Icky weighing about 250 saying that to my wife standing right behind me as I search for some stupid cartoon. I was just trying to be nice to her retarded son and then BLAM she throws that shit at us? Wow… I am still in shock after all this time… It was at that point we realized just “how fucking ignorant or just plain stupid” she really was. I have nothing against over weight people just as long as they carry them selves in a descent manner just as every one should. Jesus, this was just over the top disgusting.
One summer day right after we had paid someone to cut down our tree in the front yard due to the roots growing into the septic line which if you read my old blog was a whole other story. My wife and I were cutting and moving the brush into the back yard. When Icky all of a sudden and out of the blue came over to the other side of our house (where we were working) and started to talk to my wife. I kept working, actually ignoreing her presence and letting my wife deal with what ever it was Icky wanted (I’m-a real dick aint I?). After a few moments my wife calls me over to where they are. I am now doomed and forced to engage in conversation with Icky and now you have an idea of how bad I am trying to ignore everyone at this point right now. I hear Vicki say something and as I am in my own little world trying to NOT engage in conversation I look over at my wife. My wife is now looking at me with her eyes open wide like she just saw a ghost or something. Vicky can not see her as my wife is in between us and looking at me turned away from Vicky. I don’t think much of it and then there is a long 10 to 20 second pause of my wife staring at me kinda of in shock. I am not paying any attention as I don’t want to talk to Vicki but then my wife starts to tell me (keep in mind Icky is still right there) … “Vicki wants me to help her with the band booster club by helping her do bingo…” or something to that effect. My wife and I both were just agreeing just to go along with it so that we could get back to work faster but we were not actually going to help her and we didn’t. After Icky left we got back to work. My wife turns to me and says “Didn’t you hear what Vicki told you?”. I said “What? No. I wasn’t paying attention …”. So my wife told me what she said. Apparently, when my wife first called me over to them, I walked over and was standing about 5 to 10 feet away from them both (which I am not surprised as I didn’t want to talk to Vicki). At that moment when I stopped short of them, Vicki said and I quote: “Why don’t you come over here? I don’t bite. I just nibble a little bit.”. — I didn’t hear that but my wife did and that explains to me now why she looked shocked at the time. That was the first and only time Icky talked to my wife. My wife laughed it off and joked about it as I kinda did but the mental image of Icky Vicki nibbling on my nut sack is not something I wanted to picture. I wish my wife had not told me what she said as I might not be so disgusted. Its not like I don’t get enough grief from my co-workers/friends after I told them this story. LOL!
In subsequent conversations with her that I tried to avoid for fear of being rude, she mentioned that Alesha and her now husband spend a few weeks at Icky’s house because they can’t afford an appartement of their own…. This goes on for months. They move in they move out sometimes they would just stay for the weekend and then gone the next. Really strange behavior. Icky also told me that she was moving out in mid summer sometime since that was part of her divorce settlement… this was actually good news ever since she grossed me out with her “don’t want to get your couch messy statement while I bleed”. She also told me that her daughter is now 8 or 9 months pregnant now.
One Saturday night my wife and I went to sleep with our bedroom window open all the way since it wasn’t a hot night that summer evening. I am sleeping really good which for me is a rare occasion due to my arthritis. I wake up, due to my wife shaking me. I am in a daze, I open my eyes to see the time and it is exactly 3AM on the nose. I close my eyes again not thinking or wanting to know why my wife woke me up as I am out of it still. I hear my wife whisper “are you awake?” I mumble something not sure what it was, I probably said ya I’m awake but not fully conscious yet. I then hear my wife whisper to me “Someone is fucking right out side our window.” Okay at this point I am now fully conscious. The thought of someone fucking right outside our window has my interest peaked now. She then begins to whisper to me “I heard uhhh uhhh uhhh with light slapping noises and then some more uhhh oh uhhh uhhh”. What I heard was someone walking up their drive way right after my wife woke up so what ever they were doing, they were done now. I looked outside but saw nothing. One thing to keep in mind our house is only about 30 feet away from theres. The next morning we had to be somewhere so we got up and pulled out of our drive way. As we started to drive in front of Icky’s house, I saw her in the back of her drive way (where our window is) with a water hose spraying the cement down. As this point you can guess what it was she was trying to rinse away. I was surprised because I thought it was originally Alesha and her hubby doing it out side. I later found out that Alesha works nights and was not there but Bill’s car was. You do the math.
On a Friday night, around 11PM, I went outside to smoke (and no, not a joint but a cigarette). Nobody was home next door. So I am out there minding my own business when Alesha’s hubby Bill, pulls into Icky’s drive way. I noticed that Icky was in the back seat, he was up front driving and nobody else. I didn’t know where Alesha was at work apparently. Icky got out of the back seat of the car drunk off of her ass. I could tell she was hammered by the way she walked up to the driver side door and the way she was talking on her cell phone to someone. I heard he slurring her words as she talked on the phone saying “Bill’s my boyfriend. You guys can fight over me cause I’m so beautifull … but he’s my boyfriend…”. I started laughing so i stood up and started to walk in thinking to myself … Ya, they are not fighting over her, they are fighting to get away from her is more like it… As I was walking inside, I heard Icky say “are you coming in?”. I assumed it was Bill she was talking to, and when I looked out the window, they both went in. An hour or two goes by and I am laying in bed watching TV with the wife who also was awake. I hear someone screaming. It is so loud that I can hear the scream over the TV volume. I immediately turn of the tv, Open the window (which at the time was closed) and listened. What we heard next was the icing on the cake. I could not believe it. To explain this in “text” is an understatement. Through there CLOSED window we heard Icky screaming at the top of her lungs “OOOOHHHHHHHH!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Now, anyone who has seen a porno where the chick is moaning and yelling does not explain the way Icky was yelling, moaning and screaming. She literally screamed like someone was killing her. “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” If that wasn’t funny enough already, what we heard next dropped us on the floor crying, we were laughing so hard… “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHH BILL!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH BILL …” … then silence. There was no noise for about 15 to 20 seconds. With in that 15-20 second time range the living room light came on for a few seconds and then kicked off. A few seconds later… “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YA OH BILL! OH BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY ASSHOLE OHHHHH YAAAA OH BILL! ..”.. ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! It is a regular Jerry Springer show next door. The mother is doing her son-in-law! This went on for another 5 minutes and then stopped. We were laughing so damn hard. Really, she was screaming out load we heard her through her CLOSED window, 30 feet away to our CLOSED window, over the TV Volume. We heard her as if you were standing 3 feet in front of someone who was yelling at you. That is how loud. It was almost ridiculous if it wasn’t so damn comical! I don’t think Alesha has any clue as to what is even going on either. Her hubby likes to keep it in the family apparently.”OHHHHH BILL OHHH BILLL OH MY ASSHOLE!! OH BILL…”
-Ruger
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