1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14 – 16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Cooter, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the Pit Bulls – they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer dun it, but it’s hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.

-Dan