Despite.Org – Despise Everything!
Posts tagged Bedpan
Nurses
Mar 1st
Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy
I know many of you have heard or read some like these…but here are some I haven’t seen before. The crazy thing about this list is that my wife has mentioned or told a story regarding most of every thing listed here. The fact that there is over 170 of them and someone not in the profession can relate or know of a bunch of these is even better.
- The front of you scrubs read: ‘Nurses…here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
- You occasionally park in the space with the ‘Physicians Only’ sign, and knock it over.
- You’ve ever told a patient to ‘move toward the light.’
- You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
- You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
- You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist… because you work with a##holes
- It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
- You ever told a patient he didn’t need to be dead to donate an organ
- You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
- You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them
- In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
- You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance”
- When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; ….when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
- You believe sick people don’t $itch
- You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
- You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
- You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
- You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
- You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
- You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
- You can’t cure stupid.
- You believe if it’s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
- You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
- You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn’t back up.
- You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked. More >
Alcohol, Bedpan, Blood Alcohol Level, cold, crazy, critical situation, Dead, Death, Dismemberment, disposable equipment, doctor, drunk, Earrings, Family, Flu, gastroenterologist, Government, Immune System, Insane, insane asylum, Medicines, meds, Migraine, Nose Ring, nurse, nurses, Pain, physicians, Prescription Medications, Prozac, sense of humor, Shift Change, Sick, Suicide, syringes, Tongue Depressor, Vomit
Nurses Motto
Mar 3rd
Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy
My wife who is a nurse sent this to me:
You know you’re a nurse when…
1) the front of your scrubs reads ‘Nurses… here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
2) you occasionally park in the space with the ‘physicians only’ sign… and knock it over.
3) you believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4) you recognize that you can’t cure stupid.
5) you own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.
6) you believe there’s a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.
7) you believe that saying ‘it can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
8 ) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom
9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work in your pajamas is a cool one.
10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
12) you’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
13) you’ve even heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say ‘I’m afraid of shots.’
14) you’ve ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
15) you’ve told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.
16) your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago s water tank.
17) you have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.
18) you believe that not all patients are annoying…some are unconscious.
19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.
20) you don’t get excited about blood, unless it’s your own.
21) you’ve sworn to have ‘do not resuscitate’ tattooed on your chest. Soon.
22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.
25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
26) you believe that ‘shallow gene pool’ should be a recognized diagnosis.
27) you believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.
28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase ‘Wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?
29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled ‘Suicide: getting it right the first time.’
30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say ‘I have no idea how that got stuck in there.’
31) you’ve had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
-Ruger
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