Mooned (click to enlarge)

-Dan

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Sand Woman (click to enlarge)

-Dan

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• September 7, 2008 -- North Carolina (0)

Well, we made it.  We arrived in North Carolina around 9:30PM last night.  We were beat after driving straight through.  Tomorrow or the next day I’ll post some pictures of us.  The Ocean is pretty choppy due to Hanna passing over, but that just makes it more fun.

The house that we are staying in is HUGE.  The humidity down here has to be one hundred percent.  You step ourside and you immediatley start sweating.  Its great!!  Theres a hot tub here that my family is using as I type this.  The only thing is all the liqour stores are closed on Sunday so we have to wait until tomorrow to but some happy juice.

I’ll post pics tomorrow…

-Dan

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• September 11, 2008 -- North Carolina Sand Woman (0)

I have smelled skunks before.  Driving down the road and seeing road kill of a skunk and then you drive by and the smell hits you and gets into your car etc…  I think everyone knows what that smells like.

Saturday morning around 6 AM my wife wakes me up and says that our Golden Lab / German Shepard mix jumped the fence in the back yard.  The dogs wake us up wanting out to do their business every morning.  Sam is less then a year old and her name is Samantha (Sammy) for short.  Luckily the other yard was also fenced in so she was trapped in our neighbors back yard.  I went in our back yard to keep her next to our fence while my wife drove over to the other street to get Sammy.  I was right there with her and didn’t notice any smells.  My wife got in the other back yard and got Samantha and drove back home.  When she pulled in the drive, she tells me that Sammy had been sprayed by a skunk.  Being an older puppy that didn’t surprise me as she probably didn’t know that this could happen.  I am thinking great, just great how the hell do we get the smell off of her now?

We have an enclosed front porch so when my wife brought Sammy up and closed the front gate, the smell hit me.  She must have had a direct hit on her from that skunk.  There is no way I can describe the smell, I’ll try but your probably thinking you know what a skunk smells like.  Let me tell you, you do not.  Being that close to an animaly that has just been sprayed with a direct hit on the face is the worst smell that has hever came into contact with my nostrils.  My wife and I immediately went inside the house and left Sammy on the front porch.  I made it inside and I just closed the door when I started gagging.  I gagged 3 to 4 times before getting my reflexes under control.

Again, if you have ever driven by a skunk road kill, your only getting about 10 to 20 percent of the full experience.  It smelled so strong that you could actually smell (at least what it smelled like to me) some type of chemical mixture that was so potent, that my eyes were literally burning and watering (not from breathing it in but just from the normal air that came into contact with my eyes).  My nostrils were on fire not to mention the immediate gagging of almost throwing up.  I don’t know how else to describe the smell.  It did not smell like road kill skunk at all.  The hint of road kill skunk was there sure but being that close it was more of a violent sharp stinging chemical smell.  It felt like it could literally kill you if you inhaled to much of it.

Poor Samantha was drooling really bad and her eyes were watering extremely.  Thats one hell of a way to wake up on a Saturday morning.  We started researching on what the best course of action would be to remove the smell.  What we found and used was almost to good to be true.  It worked so good that Sammy only needed one bath in this concoction to remove the smell.  She got hit in the face and right leg/paw.  Below is what we found and used.  I highly recommend this if you need to remove the violent smell of skunk.

This solution was supposedly invented by Paul Krebaum, an Illinois chemist:

• 1 quart of hydrogen peroxide.
• 1/2 cup of baking soda.
• 1 teaspoon of liquid dish soap.

Combine the ingredients at the time of use. This solution works to remove skunk odor because of a chemical reaction initiated immediately upon combining the ingredients. If it sits for too long, it will become ineffective.

Apply the mixture to the affected areas, let it set for about five minutes and rinse. If you need to repeat the process, you must create a new solution, as the chemical reaction quickly expires. Avoid getting it into your pet’s eyes, nose and mouth.

Dealing with a dog that has been skunked is a miserable experience. No matter how horrible the skunk odor that emanates from your dog, keep in mind that he/she was only fulfilling an instinctual curiosity. Your dog is probably suffering from this encounter more than you are; being sprayed by a skunk, especially in the eyes, is very painful, not to mention that a dog’s sense of smell is much keener then that of humans.

This may also lighten your animals coat but it is better then the obvious.

We also got some eye drops for the puppy because this mixture does harm your animal so make sure you use soothing eye drops on your dog after its bath.  That alone made the difference from a scared puppy to a happy one.  This mixture worked so well that we didn’t have to repeat the wash.

Our neighbors dog across the street got hit two years ago and used the tomato juice recipe.  It didn’t work very well according to them - FYI.  Take it from me, this mixture listed above is the miracle cure for removing skunk odor from your animals.

-Dan

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• August 7, 2008 -- Wanted for Tax Evasion (11)
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A man was just about to tee off at his local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out,

Do you mind if I join you? I am a new member and haven’t got a partner yet.

Sure,

the man said,

You’re welcome.

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of each other. Part way around the course the man asked the newcomer,

What do you do for a living?

I’m a hitman.

was the reply.

You’re joking!

was the response.

No, I’m not.

he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini action sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

Here are my tools.

That’s a powerful telescopic sight.

said the man,

May I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right into our bedroom. Wow, I can see my wife in there and she’s naked! Wait a minute, that’s my next door neighbour in there with her and he is naked, too!

He turned to the hitman,

How much do you charge for a hit?

I’ll do a flat rate, one thousand pounds sterling every time I pull the trigger.

Can you do two for me now?

Sure, what do you want?

First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then shoot my neighbour. I have always considered him being friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off. That should teach him a lesson.

The hitman raised the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for some time.

Are you going to do it or not?

said the man impatiently.

Just be patient.

said the hitman calmly.

I think I can save you a grand here.

-Dan

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• November 30, 2007 -- Shamu (0)
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I am not sure where to start this story…

July 31:

I’ll just start it back when we got a US Postal Certified letter a couple of weeks ago.  We ignored it thinking it was a debt collector of some kind and I was not going to waste my time and fuel to drive down to the post office to pick it up.  Little did we know it was going to cost us a butt load of fucking money by not picking it up.

This morning after my wife left for work I was getting ready to leave when the door bell rang.  It was a Summit County Sheriff’s Officer.  He proceeds to tell me that he has warrants for my wife and mine’s arrest.  Apparently, that certified letter was to show up in court regarding our un-payed taxes.  Are you ready for this?  The unpaid amount was $10.12.  They sent the sheriff after us with warrants for ten fucking dollars!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Ten dollars!  It was really for the missed court date but only because of the ten dollars.  It’s not like my wife didn’t file for the city of Barberton taxes.  She filed but something got messed up on the form and was off by $10.

The sheriff told us that we could just make an appointment for later today.  We are apparently one of two hundred Barberton residents that they went after.  The officer told us that he spoke with the judge and that if anyone gave him a hard time that he was to just serve the warrant and take them in.  If they were nice, that they could just make an appointment to go downtown Barberton later that day.  Which is what we did.  This whole time, I am not believing my wife about the ten bucks.  In my mind (of reasoning and common sense) there’s no way in hell the City of Barbertucky is going to issue warrants for our arrest for a measly ten dollars. We looked up our names in the Barberton city courts and we are now listed as CRIMINALS.

Check it out:

http://24.123.45.19/cgi-bin/mcaseno.cgi?num=0801911&sub=&pre=CRB&type=CR

Here is our Warrant info:

http://24.123.45.19/cgi-bin/mwarrant.cgi?pre=CRB&num=0801911&sub=&type=CR

So around noon we head downtown Barberton (were taking off of work to do this by the way) and had to be escorted in by the Summit County Sheriff Officer who served us the warrant.  We did that and now were sitting in court waiting for the judge to return.  Once court started, he called a few names and those people went ahead of us and then called my name.  I approached the bench and he asked me if I knew what this was about.   I said “I think so.”.  He proceeded to tell me that we were only one of seventy people to take care of our taxes.  He said all charges will be dropped if we just go to the financial office and pay the taxes that we owe (all that the judge knew was that we owed money he didn’t have the amount and I still don’t believe this is all over ten dollars).

We head over to the financial building and had to wait one hour since the only person that could pull our information was out at lunch.  She finally comes back and pulls the information and says “Wow.  Ten Dollars.  Okay…” with a surprised expression on her face.  So we pay it.  $10.12 to be exact.  I take the receipt and have to show it to the judge in order to drop the charges.

We end up doing that and when it was all said and done, our $10 tax turned into a $420 dollars that we owe now.  $100 each for both my wife and I for court costs, $70 each for the issued warrants and some other minor court fee…  Altogether it adds up to $420.00.  Whats the moral of this story you ask?  Go and pick up any fucking certified letters you get in the mail.

There should be a story in the Akron Beacon Journal this week sometime.  They came out to our house and interviewed us and took pictures.  I am not sure what they are going to say but should be interesting.  When I find the article, I’ll post it as a reply here for all to read.  Should be more or less about the warrants for our arrests for ten dollars.

- Trying to stick it to “THE MAN”: $10.12

- Warrants for our arrest and court fee’s: $420.00

- Having the city of Barberton bend us over and fuck us in the ass: PRICELESS.

-Dan

=================

UPDATE: Thursday August 7Th:

Channel 5 news just came by and interviewed us regarding this rediculous situation.  They are in partnership with the Akron Beacon Journal and will be airing the segment tonight August 7Th at 11PM.  Tommorrow, the story runs in the Beacon Journal.

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-Dan

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This is with out a doubt the most hilarious video I have ever seen. To appreciate it, you must work in the Internet Industry. I watched this and was actually crying I was laughing so hard. I may have pissed myself in the process too. Its that funny. Check it out at (click the link):

The Web Site Is Down!

-Dan

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• August 7, 2008 -- Wanted for Tax Evasion (11)
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• October 5, 2007 -- OH Bill!! - A true story (3)
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• November 5, 2007 -- Steelers vs Ravens (2)

1. A day without sunshine is night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable , except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off..
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

-Dan

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I can not believe that some people actually think they look good in a thong…??? They are either retarded or ignorant or both. Again, you’ve been forewarned. This is some sick shit…

-Dan

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• October 11, 2007 -- Thong Bikini (0)