Insanity would best describe how I feel.  I know now, how others have to live with pain that are far worse then I.  Even then, I have problems dealing with my own situation and there are others far worse.  I can’t imagine how others worse then I deal with it when I feel so insane from it. I am writing now because I can not sleep.  The best thing you can do for insomnia is get up and do something.

I think I am going to file for short term disability through my work.  I can’t be there on time on top of missing at least one or two days every week.  I’ve talked with my boss and now trying to schedule a meeting with the President to see what I can do.  This is something I have been trying to avoid.  I keep thinking that I might get better and some days it feels like that but then I am reminded that any one with this disease has never gone into remission, my immune system goes crazy and then I have a flare up.  I am so tired so so so so tired of the same shit over and over and over etc…  It never fucking ends and it literally never will.

Author Daniel Clark

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1. The front of you scrubs read: ‘Nurses…here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
2. You occasionally park in the space with the ‘Physicians Only’ sign, and knock it over.
3. You’ve ever told a patient to ‘move toward the light.’
4. You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
5. You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
6. You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist… because you work with a##holes
7. It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
8. You ever told a patient he didn’t need to be dead to donate an organ
9. You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
10. You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them
11. In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
12. You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance”
13. When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; ….when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
14. You believe sick people don’t $itch
15. You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
16. You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
17. You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
18. You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
19. You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
20. You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
21. You can’t cure stupid.
22. You believe if it’s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
23. You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
24. You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn’t back up.
25. You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.
26. You believe there is no such thing as a “textbook case
27. You believe just because someone’s license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
28. You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!
29. You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
30. To you the phrase “divide and conquer” means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.
31. You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
32. You’ve ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)
33. You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them
34. You believe the best patients are SIR…Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
35. You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience
36. You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
37. You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, ‘Hey, watch this’
38. You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.
39. You no longer have a gag reflex.
40. You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.
41. You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.
42. You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True –a doctor friend of mine would put the number “45″ on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn’t playing with a full load of chromosomes.
43. You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk
44. You use the phrase “Turn and Baste” and you are nowhere near a kitchen
45. You know you are a night nurse when:
46. You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.
47. You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep
48. You hope there’s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
49. You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.
50. You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
51. You think Real friends help you move dead bodies.
52. You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine
53. You believe experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
54. Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.
55. Your sense of humor seems to get more “warped” each year.
56. You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.
57. You tell cops where to go without fear!
58. You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
59. You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
60. You’ve ever thought, ‘Patients, God love ‘em, because today, I sure don’t!’
61. You believe that saying, ‘It can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
62. You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn’t already used, to start an IV
63. You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just a##holes.
64. You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom
65. You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal ‘no code’ patients. (circling the drain).
66. You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)
67. You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN
68. You call some of your co-workers ‘Flowers in the Field of Medicine’ because they’re bloomin’ idiots
69. Everything only happens all at once.
70. You’ve ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF (Failure to Fly)
71. You’ve ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin’ to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)
72. You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.
73. Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
74. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.
75. You’ve ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
76. You’ve ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
77. You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.
78. You think it is acceptable to use “penis” and “vagina” in a normal conversation.
79. You look in your closet and can’t find anything non-medical to wear.
80. You don’t have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.
81. You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.
82. After spending the night with surgeons, they still won’t respect you in the morning.
83. You don’t eat before driving to work because you want to be an “easy intubation” if you are in an accident.
84. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you’ve obviously don’t understand the situation.
85. You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.
86. Everyone gets treated exactly the same—until they piss you off.
87. The ER is a mixture of can do, can’t do, and why the hell not!
88. You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia
89. You can identify the following Syndromes:
90. F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)
91. A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)
92. W.O. T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money
93. You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they’ll pee all over you.
94. You refer to ammonia capsules as a “seizure-cure.”
95. You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil
96. You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The ASS) precautions!
97. Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is
98. Ever referred to KY jelly as “Goober Grease”
99. You know it’s a full moon without having to look at the sky.
100. You have ever referred to a patient as “genetically exclusive” or “genetically challenged.”
101. You’ve developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you’ve encountered over the years.
102. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
103. You believe in PPP as a diagnosis – Piss Poor Protoplasm
104. You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
105. Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.
106. Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
107. You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.
108. If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
109. You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.
110. You’ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone’s vein and said, “Now your going to feel a little stick.”
111. You can identify the ‘PID Shuffle” and the “Kidney Stone Squirm” at 15 feet.
112. You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
113. You’ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots.”
114. You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
115. You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
116. You don’t ask “frequent flyers’ their history, you know it by heart.
117. You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, “Just two beers.”
118. You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet
119. You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm…until you get one you DO recognize.
120. You’ve ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.
121. You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of “tracks” added to estimated days without a bath!
122. Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold
123. You make up acronyms so non-medical people won’t know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL…(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live)
124. You think “awake and stupid” is an appropriate choice for mental status
125. You’ve ever bet on someone’s blood alcohol level
126. Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
127. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
128. You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA
129. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
130. You believe the ‘On-call Nurse’ program is a satanic plot
131. You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word ‘quiet’ is uttered
132. Your most common assessment question at 2 am is “Why is this an emergency now?”
133. You have used the phrase’ health care reform’ to terrify your co-workers
134. You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
135. You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed
136. You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You’ve had pain for 3 weeks…have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)
137. You refer to vegetable and you don’t mean the food group
138. You know the local detox center number by heart
139. You believe the lab should have a ‘dumb sh#t’ profile on the lab requisition slip
140. You firmly believe that ‘too stupid to live’ should be a diagnosis
141. You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
142. You believe a book entitled ‘Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time’ will be your next project.
143. You find humor in other people’s stupidity
144. Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
145. You believe chocolate is a food group
146. You believe a good tape job will fix anything
147. You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants
148. You can identify the “Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo” Ratio
149. Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change
150. You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt
151. You don’t believe 90% of what you’re told, and 75% of what you see
152. You have your weekends off planned a year in advance
153. You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia….and they list numerous allergies (except Demerol or Morphine)
154. You believe that “Shallow gene pool” should be a recognized medical diagnosis
155. You have discovered a new condition called “Hypo-Xanax-emia”
156. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a “Celestial Transfer”
157. You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a “Smurf”
158. You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to “Guns and Ammo” magazine
159. You’ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know how that got stuck in there”
160. You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks “Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc….) there?”
161. You have ever issued a “dead head” alert
162. You have ever restrained someone…and it wasn’t a sexual experience
163. You believe a “Supreme Being” consult is your patient’s only hope
164. You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food
165. Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago’s water tank
166. Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s
167. Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard
168. You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol
169. Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent
170. You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine
171. You call burn victims “crispy critters”
172. You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies

-Daniel

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I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Thats just Great!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,  I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

-Danny

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Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.  The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

Ticke Me Elmo

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena, ‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…  Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

-Danny

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The weird thing about this whole deal was that when I was awake, I felt no grogginess or sleepiness and yet when I laid back down I was out like a light bulb and then the nurse would start talking to me I then would be up as if nothing had happened.  I attribute that to the drugs but it was still weird.

Shit, they took pictures of everything and I wanted to get a copy of them to post up here…  I’ll see if I can get a copy of them.  They did not look good.  He says that I have something that causes my stomach to become inflamed and swollen…

I am home now, and I am laying down to take advantage of being able to fall a sleep on a dime   I took the rest of my meds and FINALLY had my cup of coffee on the way home so I am good to go.  Good Night!

Author Daniel Clark

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The G.I. Doctor said he thinks its ulcers but if they are they don’t feel like normal ulcers from when I had them before.  Ulcers were painful when you got hungry and went away after you ate.  I am having the exact opposite now.  When I eat or drink I get sick, almost to the point of throwing up.  They still think its ulcers though…  We’ll see (literally) I guess on the 18Th.

Author Daniel Clark

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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control  when you know the batteries are dead?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

-Danny

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“OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING, A SOLDIER DIED TODAY.”

Publisher Unknown

-Dan

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First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitch-hiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!  CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Publisher Unknown?

-Dan

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