Drepressed
Life
Mar 3rd
February, March and April are my worst months. My middle finger on my left hand is now becoming deformed due to the joint fusion. Every morning I can not straighten it out. My rheumatologist is unable to keep my pain under control so now I have been referred to a pain specialist. Maybe this can be a good thing. Maybe they will give me the pain meds that actually work. I don’t know how many times I have said that I am getting so tired of the pain… I probably sound like a fucking record skipping over and over…
Insanity would best describe how I feel. I know now, how others have to live with pain that are far worse then I. Even then, I have problems dealing with my own situation and there are others far worse. I can’t imagine how others worse then I deal with it when I feel so insane from it. I am writing now because I can not sleep. The best thing you can do for insomnia is get up and do something.
I think I am going to file for short term disability through my work. I can’t be there on time on top of missing at least one or two days every week. I’ve talked with my boss and now trying to schedule a meeting with the President to see what I can do. This is something I have been trying to avoid. I keep thinking that I might get better and some days it feels like that but then I am reminded that any one with this disease has never gone into remission, my immune system goes crazy and then I have a flare up. I am so tired so so so so tired of the same shit over and over and over etc… It never fucking ends and it literally never will.
Author Daniel Clark
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Loading ...Never ends…
Jan 19th
My pain never ends. This last weekend, both Saturday and Sunday mornings were horrible. Both hands/fingers completely frozen. Locked up to the point that I could not open my hands at all. I would start to try and open them and then they would stick and pain shoots all the way up both arms. My knee’s were also swollen. If I sat down for more then 5 minutes, I would have serious trouble getting up to a standing position on my own. The pain pills (OxyContin) is not working like it should any more. I figure my body has built up an immunity to it making it ineffective. I think I am going to try and have my doctor change my medications to see if that helps any (and if he even does it). I have so much shit to do yet I can’t do it in this condition. I am so sick of feeling like this that it is driving me insane. Fucking INSANE!
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Fucking hurting today…
Dec 7th
Man am I fucking hurting today. Both hands are swollen and its hard to type. Today, the first real snow fell. Probably why I hurt so bad. Theres not enough OxyContin I can take to rid this pain (trust me, I tried). I am sure it helps, not sure I want to imagine myself with out it. I have enough corti-steriods in me to make Lou Ferrigno seem like a baby. I no longer have the good insurance that covers Enbrel or the other $2200 a month script that would make my life easier. Go figure. I am back to basics including the sickning Methatrexate chemo drug that I am seriously consider taking again.
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...75 my ass!
Oct 19th
I just took the live to 100 test and calling bullshit on it. It says I’ll live to 75. Right now as it stands I am not going to make it to 60. See if you have any better luck with it.
Living to 100
http://calculator.livingto100.com/
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Sick (again)
Sep 15th
September 13th:
I wake up to my left hand in severe pain. In detail, my middle finger (my insult finger) was locked into position at roughly a 90 degree angle. I was unable to straighten it at all. It felt like bone on bone with no joint lubrication at all. It took about two hours before I was able to straighten it out with out any pain. The rest of the day went un-eventful except that my hand was sore.
September 14th:
Again, I wake up in pain due to my middle finger being locked up. This time I was able to get it moving with in one hour (still feels like bone on bone). This morning I ended up with a fever. I slept till noon (or at least when I wasn’t awake shivering or sweating to death). At that point I knew I wasn’t making it to work. From noon until about 4 to 4:30, was the worst fever I had felt in a long time. By the time 4 rolled around, my pillow was soaking wet from me sweating. Everyone thought that I had the Swine flu but I knew better. My immune system went wacko on me and attacked all my joints as I couldn’t move and my body was trying to fight it off with the fever I had.
September 15th:
Well, this time around my finger was fine, it did not lock up. Something much more painful locked up on me. My left knee. I didn’t realize it either until about 2AM I moved or rolled over or something and when I moved my leg to try and get situated I thought to myself why the hell is my knee so hard to move and just as that thought ran through my mind, the pain hit. This happened twice last night. The second time was so painful I actually yelled out. I asked my wife if I woke her up and she said no so I must not have yelled that loud. The pain in my knee was the worst I felt so far in regards to this fucking disease. That hurt bad. I am thanking God that it didn’t last long like my finger did. Uggg… that sucked bad… At least today I don’t feel like I have a fever and I am mobile again (for the time being). I guess I should mention that this is getting bad only because I lost my insurance last January and when I was put on my Wifes, hers will not cover Embrel or Humira like my old insurance did. So now I am back to heavy pain killers, steroids and anti-inflammatory drugs. Let me tell you, if your health is fine be thankful because I can attest that having pain dictate your life really fucking sucks!
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Tired and sick
Apr 9th
I wish I could be done with this shit. My left arm aches constantly when not moving it but when I do move it, the pain spikes to a 7 or 8.
That was yesterday, now its getting a little better but this is getting old quick..
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Sick of this shit
Apr 5th
I am so sick of this shit. Same bullshit everyday. Same pain every morning and night. So tired of having to take so many drugs to feel stoned and or high just to take the fucking edge off. Every morning, stiff (and I’m not talking about my cock), baby steps, feet dragging just to get to the kitchen to take my meds… Nightly, pain, can’t even fucking roll over in fucking bed with out fully waking up because the pain is to great it wakes me up to just move and that’s on a good night that I actually get some sleep…
Some have it worse and how they cope I don’t know. Thank god for the scientists that created Prozac and the cheap (legal) heroin that takes the edge off (sometimes)… I’m done venting.
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Pain Management
Feb 22nd
I am hoping that its just the time of the year – end of January and the month of February. If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have answered that last night and yesterday was the worst I have felt all year (since last Jan & Feb) and even then I don’t think I was this bad. Its 1 AM right now and I am unable to sleep. So far, my right hand at the main knuckle joints are flaring up to the point that I can’t make a fist and or put any pressure on the palm of my hand to do simple tasks like using my hand to push myself up when standing or even sitting down. Next my jaw joint on the right side of my face is making it hard to even eat. I am trying to restrict my diet to soups and soft foods. The sharp pain from turning my head and or opening my mouth to yawn sends sharp stinging waves of pain up the side of my face into my head triggering migraine headaches. Every time I move, a joint pops/cracks somewhere on my body with needle sticking pain in the joint. My lower back, both hips, knees, and ankles are all flaring to the point that I can only take baby steps when walking and forget about standing up from a sitting position. I am on some very powerful narcotics, NSaids and corticosteroids. Not to mention the Prozac I take for depression and or what ever it helps for in dealing with this situation. I have been taking more then the recommended dosage and I still feel like this. I can only imagine what it would be like with out those medicines. Anyone with an autoimmune disease will know exactly what I am talking about. I can say one thing, if I didn’t have the mind altering medicines (Prozac, Welbutrin…) I would be in a world of hurt. No one can appreciate the way pain makes one feel from being in pain the majority of the day, every day. Pain makes you think and do some crazy things that would make a normal person think you are mentally ill. Maybe I am? If so, its only due to the pain and the failure (which is almost impossible) to manage it.
-Ruger
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Suffer
Dec 15th
I have no idea how to even explain how the last week has been. Well, I have AS and or RA so I take a lot of drugs. One of them being OxyContin. I get a month at a time and since it is a controlled substance, I have to have a prescription each month. This time round, I had my wife call my doctor to get my OxyContin Script. I normally request the script 7 days in advance since I won’t have to be with out. Well I ran out and had to wait 4 days with out any OxyContin. Now, the last 4 days I have been detoxing. Detoxing from 40 Milligrams of OxyContin a day!
I finally got my scripts so the aching, painful movements are gone now. The edge has been dulled to a almost nothing now. This was one of the worst weeks this year for me. The only thing I have a hard time with is knowing that something as small as a pill has such power of me. But then again, I need this pill to live a half way normal life. I am on a double edge sword. At least I am still alive…
-Ruger
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Being Sick Is no fun
Oct 30th
I can not remember the last time I felt this bad. Aching like the flu on top of arthritis with a fever really wreaks. Can’t breath. Coughing makes my lungs burn like their on fire. I got something I don’t know what it is. It feels like the flu minus the blowing chunks part. I missed two days of work so hopefully I have peaked with this shit and it is on its way out.
-Ruger
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