Useless Ramblings

February, March and April are my worst months.  My middle finger on my left hand is now becoming deformed due to the joint fusion.  Every morning I can not straighten it out.  My rheumatologist is unable to keep my pain under control so now I have been referred to a pain specialist.  Maybe this can be a good thing.  Maybe they will give me the pain meds that actually work.  I don’t know how many times I have said that I am getting so tired of the pain…  I probably sound like a fucking record skipping over and over…

Insanity would best describe how I feel.  I know now, how others have to live with pain that are far worse then I.  Even then, I have problems dealing with my own situation and there are others far worse.  I can’t imagine how others worse then I deal with it when I feel so insane from it. I am writing now because I can not sleep.  The best thing you can do for insomnia is get up and do something.

I think I am going to file for short term disability through my work.  I can’t be there on time on top of missing at least one or two days every week.  I’ve talked with my boss and now trying to schedule a meeting with the President to see what I can do.  This is something I have been trying to avoid.  I keep thinking that I might get better and some days it feels like that but then I am reminded that any one with this disease has never gone into remission, my immune system goes crazy and then I have a flare up.  I am so tired so so so so tired of the same shit over and over and over etc…  It never fucking ends and it literally never will.

Author Daniel Clark