I have smelled skunks before.  Driving down the road and seeing road kill of a skunk and then you drive by and the smell hits you and gets into your car etc…  I think everyone knows what that smells like.

Saturday morning around 6 AM my wife wakes me up and says that our Golden Lab / German Shepard mix jumped the fence in the back yard.  The dogs wake us up wanting out to do their business every morning.  Sam is less then a year old and her name is Samantha (Sammy) for short.  Luckily the other yard was also fenced in so she was trapped in our neighbors back yard.  I went in our back yard to keep her next to our fence while my wife drove over to the other street to get Sammy.  I was right there with her and didn’t notice any smells.  My wife got in the other back yard and got Samantha and drove back home.  When she pulled in the drive, she tells me that Sammy had been sprayed by a skunk.  Being an older puppy that didn’t surprise me as she probably didn’t know that this could happen.  I am thinking great, just great how the hell do we get the smell off of her now?

We have an enclosed front porch so when my wife brought Sammy up and closed the front gate, the smell hit me.  She must have had a direct hit on her from that skunk.  There is no way I can describe the smell, I’ll try but your probably thinking you know what a skunk smells like.  Let me tell you, you do not.  Being that close to an animaly that has just been sprayed with a direct hit on the face is the worst smell that has hever came into contact with my nostrils.  My wife and I immediately went inside the house and left Sammy on the front porch.  I made it inside and I just closed the door when I started gagging.  I gagged 3 to 4 times before getting my reflexes under control.

Again, if you have ever driven by a skunk road kill, your only getting about 10 to 20 percent of the full experience.  It smelled so strong that you could actually smell (at least what it smelled like to me) some type of chemical mixture that was so potent, that my eyes were literally burning and watering (not from breathing it in but just from the normal air that came into contact with my eyes).  My nostrils were on fire not to mention the immediate gagging of almost throwing up.  I don’t know how else to describe the smell.  It did not smell like road kill skunk at all.  The hint of road kill skunk was there sure but being that close it was more of a violent sharp stinging chemical smell.  It felt like it could literally kill you if you inhaled to much of it.

Poor Samantha was drooling really bad and her eyes were watering extremely.  Thats one hell of a way to wake up on a Saturday morning.  We started researching on what the best course of action would be to remove the smell.  What we found and used was almost to good to be true.  It worked so good that Sammy only needed one bath in this concoction to remove the smell.  She got hit in the face and right leg/paw.  Below is what we found and used.  I highly recommend this if you need to remove the violent smell of skunk.

This solution was supposedly invented by Paul Krebaum, an Illinois chemist:

• 1 quart of hydrogen peroxide.
• 1/2 cup of baking soda.
• 1 teaspoon of liquid dish soap.

Combine the ingredients at the time of use. This solution works to remove skunk odor because of a chemical reaction initiated immediately upon combining the ingredients. If it sits for too long, it will become ineffective.

Apply the mixture to the affected areas, let it set for about five minutes and rinse. If you need to repeat the process, you must create a new solution, as the chemical reaction quickly expires. Avoid getting it into your pet’s eyes, nose and mouth.

Dealing with a dog that has been skunked is a miserable experience. No matter how horrible the skunk odor that emanates from your dog, keep in mind that he/she was only fulfilling an instinctual curiosity. Your dog is probably suffering from this encounter more than you are; being sprayed by a skunk, especially in the eyes, is very painful, not to mention that a dog’s sense of smell is much keener then that of humans.

This may also lighten your animals coat but it is better then the obvious.

We also got some eye drops for the puppy because this mixture does harm your animal so make sure you use soothing eye drops on your dog after its bath.  That alone made the difference from a scared puppy to a happy one.  This mixture worked so well that we didn’t have to repeat the wash.

Our neighbors dog across the street got hit two years ago and used the tomato juice recipe.  It didn’t work very well according to them - FYI.  Take it from me, this mixture listed above is the miracle cure for removing skunk odor from your animals.

-Dan

I am not sure where to start this story…

July 31:

I’ll just start it back when we got a US Postal Certified letter a couple of weeks ago.  We ignored it thinking it was a debt collector of some kind and I was not going to waste my time and fuel to drive down to the post office to pick it up.  Little did we know it was going to cost us a butt load of fucking money by not picking it up.

This morning after my wife left for work I was getting ready to leave when the door bell rang.  It was a Summit County Sheriff’s Officer.  He proceeds to tell me that he has warrants for my wife and mine’s arrest.  Apparently, that certified letter was to show up in court regarding our un-payed taxes.  Are you ready for this?  The unpaid amount was $10.12.  They sent the sheriff after us with warrants for ten fucking dollars!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Ten dollars!  It was really for the missed court date but only because of the ten dollars.  It’s not like my wife didn’t file for the city of Barberton taxes.  She filed but something got messed up on the form and was off by $10.

The sheriff told us that we could just make an appointment for later today.  We are apparently one of two hundred Barberton residents that they went after.  The officer told us that he spoke with the judge and that if anyone gave him a hard time that he was to just serve the warrant and take them in.  If they were nice, that they could just make an appointment to go downtown Barberton later that day.  Which is what we did.  This whole time, I am not believing my wife about the ten bucks.  In my mind (of reasoning and common sense) there’s no way in hell the City of Barbertucky is going to issue warrants for our arrest for a measly ten dollars. We looked up our names in the Barberton city courts and we are now listed as CRIMINALS.

Check it out:

http://24.123.45.19/cgi-bin/mcaseno.cgi?num=0801911&sub=&pre=CRB&type=CR

Here is our Warrant info:

http://24.123.45.19/cgi-bin/mwarrant.cgi?pre=CRB&num=0801911&sub=&type=CR

So around noon we head downtown Barberton (were taking off of work to do this by the way) and had to be escorted in by the Summit County Sheriff Officer who served us the warrant.  We did that and now were sitting in court waiting for the judge to return.  Once court started, he called a few names and those people went ahead of us and then called my name.  I approached the bench and he asked me if I knew what this was about.   I said “I think so.”.  He proceeded to tell me that we were only one of seventy people to take care of our taxes.  He said all charges will be dropped if we just go to the financial office and pay the taxes that we owe (all that the judge knew was that we owed money he didn’t have the amount and I still don’t believe this is all over ten dollars).

We head over to the financial building and had to wait one hour since the only person that could pull our information was out at lunch.  She finally comes back and pulls the information and says “Wow.  Ten Dollars.  Okay…” with a surprised expression on her face.  So we pay it.  $10.12 to be exact.  I take the receipt and have to show it to the judge in order to drop the charges.

We end up doing that and when it was all said and done, our $10 tax turned into a $420 dollars that we owe now.  $100 each for both my wife and I for court costs, $70 each for the issued warrants and some other minor court fee…  Altogether it adds up to $420.00.  Whats the moral of this story you ask?  Go and pick up any fucking certified letters you get in the mail.

There should be a story in the Akron Beacon Journal this week sometime.  They came out to our house and interviewed us and took pictures.  I am not sure what they are going to say but should be interesting.  When I find the article, I’ll post it as a reply here for all to read.  Should be more or less about the warrants for our arrests for ten dollars.

- Trying to stick it to “THE MAN”: $10.12

- Warrants for our arrest and court fee’s: $420.00

- Having the city of Barberton bend us over and fuck us in the ass: PRICELESS.

-Dan

=================

UPDATE: Thursday August 7Th:

Channel 5 news just came by and interviewed us regarding this rediculous situation.  They are in partnership with the Akron Beacon Journal and will be airing the segment tonight August 7Th at 11PM.  Tommorrow, the story runs in the Beacon Journal.

I don’t know who came up with this joke but its ok.

I am not sure who wrote this but its pretty good.

I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.

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Background: Our next door neighbors, at the time were very weird to begin with. She (I’ll call her Icky Vicki with good reason and not just because she is -I’d have to say between 225 and 250 pounds) was married to her husband at the time. They had/have two kids, a daughter (I’ll call her Alesha who was pretty descent looking- must have gotten that from her Dad’s side, who knows) who just turned 18 and a retarded son (We’ll call him Michael) who was 20 something (I really don’t know his age but makes no difference). Then theres the famous “Bill” (Alesha’s soon to be husband) but we’ll get to that later.

They lived there way before we ever moved in next door. So, hearing some of the stories about them from the other neighbors must be semi true. For example, our neighbors on the other side of us state that when Alesha was growing up she was NEVER allowed to play outside - EVER. That alone to me sends up some red flags but thats just one story and to give you a little history about the type of family they were. When ever we saw them outside we said “Hi” to be nice and neighborly but other then that the interaction was kept to a minimum.

Now the Story: 4 years later, Icky Vicky’s husband leaves her and moves out, Alesha moves out with her soon to be husband. So now, Icky is in the house with her retarded son and this is when things start to get weird. On occasion when trying to hurry up to get into the house from coming home (from where ever) when we saw Icky outside (doing what ever it is she was doing) just so that we didn’t have to talk to her (which we almost always got stopped by her to talk about stupid bullshit - actually its kinda funny as we pull in the drive way my wifes first response was “Oh my God, there she is” and I would start to plan how we would get into the house with out any interaction between us and Icky, I’d say something like “Don’t look at her just go straight to the front door and don’t even wave…”). That’s how we know about everything that happened to her: husband leaving, daughter leaving etc…bah bah bullshit. Not to mention she has this disease …. that she says, makes her twitch. The weird thing is or the funny thing is (depending on how you look at it) when ever she started to talk about her “disease” and or talk about coming back from her doctor her arms would start twitching. Now, I noticed unfortunately when ever our paths crossed the only time she would twitch is when she was actually trying to start a conversation with me about her disease. When at times she stopped me before to talk she did not twitch. So basically when she engaged in conversation regarding her disease she twitched, otherwise when she wasn’t talking about her disease she was fine. Coincidence? Something bigger underlying here? I think so. Later on, my wife would comment that Icky only tried to talk to me and when my wife was outside she would not even look at her to say “hi”.

One night in winter Icky comes knocking on our door. I let her and her son in (the retarded one) and she explains that she wants me to look up some specific cartoon videos for her son (Yu-gi-o or how ever the fuck you say it) since she does not have Internet access. So I pull out my laptop and start searching for this cartoon. Michael, sits down on the couch. Icky is still standing there. My wife says “Why don’t you have a seat?” to Icky. Icky then replies with “No thanks, I don’t want to get your couch all messy. Because you know its that time of the month for me.”. At this point I lost track of what I was doing and became very sick to my stomach and very disgusted. I immediatley closed the laptop and told them “Sorry, couldn’t find anything” and quickly ushered them out the front door. Okay first of all, I don’t need to know when your on the rag. Although I appreciate the fact that she didn’t make a mess on our couch but that fact remains, she didn’t have to go there. I mean come on???? What woman has to explain to someone else why she can’t sit down? Has she not heard of a product called a tampon? Or maybe a pad? Was she going commando on her period? WTF?????????? In our House!!!! OMG I am getting sick as I type this… Again, picture Icky weighing about 250 saying that to my wife standing right behind me as I search for some stupid cartoon. I was just trying to be nice to her retarded son and then BLAM she throws that shit at us? Wow… I am still in shock after all this time… It was at that point we realized just “how fucking ignorant or just plain stupid” she really was. I have nothing against over weight people just as long as they carry them selves in a descent manner just as every one should. Jesus, this was just over the top disgusting.

One summer day right after we had paid someone to cut down our tree in the front yard due to the roots growing into the septic line which if you read my old blog was a whole other story. My wife and I were cutting and moving the brush into the back yard. When Icky all of a sudden and out of the blue came over to the other side of our house (where we were working) and started to talk to my wife. I kept working, actually ignoreing her presence and letting my wife deal with what ever it was Icky wanted (I’m-a real dick aint I?). After a few moments my wife calls me over to where they are. I am now doomed and forced to engage in conversation with Icky and now you have an idea of how bad I am trying to ignore everyone at this point right now. I hear Vicki say something and as I am in my own little world trying to NOT engage in conversation I look over at my wife. My wife is now looking at me with her eyes open wide like she just saw a ghost or something. Vicky can not see her as my wife is in between us and looking at me turned away from Vicky. I don’t think much of it and then there is a long 10 to 20 second pause of my wife staring at me kinda of in shock. I am not paying any attention as I don’t want to talk to Vicki but then my wife starts to tell me (keep in mind Icky is still right there) … “Vicki wants me to help her with the band booster club by helping her do bingo…” or something to that effect. My wife and I both were just agreeing just to go along with it so that we could get back to work faster but we were not actually going to help her and we didn’t. After Icky left we got back to work. My wife turns to me and says “Didn’t you hear what Vicki told you?”. I said “What? No. I wasn’t paying attention …”. So my wife told me what she said. Apparently, when my wife first called me over to them, I walked over and was standing about 5 to 10 feet away from them both (which I am not surprised as I didn’t want to talk to Vicki). At that moment when I stopped short of them, Vicki said and I quote: “Why don’t you come over here? I don’t bite. I just nibble a little bit.”. — I didn’t hear that but my wife did and that explains to me now why she looked shocked at the time. That was the first and only time Icky talked to my wife. My wife laughed it off and joked about it as I kinda did but the mental image of Icky Vicki nibbling on my nut sack is not something I wanted to picture. I wish my wife had not told me what she said as I might not be so disgusted. Its not like I don’t get enough grief from my co-workers/friends after I told them this story. LOL!

In subsequent conversations with her that I tried to avoid for fear of being rude, she mentioned that Alesha and her now husband spend a few weeks at Icky’s house because they can’t afford an appartement of their own…. This goes on for months. They move in they move out sometimes they would just stay for the weekend and then gone the next. Really strange behavior. Icky also told me that she was moving out in mid summer sometime since that was part of her divorce settlement… this was actually good news ever since she grossed me out with her “don’t want to get your couch messy statement while I bleed”. She also told me that her daughter is now 8 or 9 months pregnant now.

One Saturday night my wife and I went to sleep with our bedroom window open all the way since it wasn’t a hot night that summer evening. I am sleeping really good which for me is a rare occasion due to my arthritis. I wake up, due to my wife shaking me. I am in a daze, I open my eyes to see the time and it is exactly 3AM on the nose. I close my eyes again not thinking or wanting to know why my wife woke me up as I am out of it still. I hear my wife whisper “are you awake?” I mumble something not sure what it was, I probably said ya I’m awake but not fully conscious yet. I then hear my wife whisper to me “Someone is fucking right out side our window.” Okay at this point I am now fully conscious. The thought of someone fucking right outside our window has my interest peaked now. She then begins to whisper to me “I heard uhhh uhhh uhhh with light slapping noises and then some more uhhh oh uhhh uhhh”. What I heard was someone walking up their drive way right after my wife woke up so what ever they were doing, they were done now. I looked outside but saw nothing. One thing to keep in mind our house is only about 30 feet away from theres. The next morning we had to be somewhere so we got up and pulled out of our drive way. As we started to drive in front of Icky’s house, I saw her in the back of her drive way (where our window is) with a water hose spraying the cement down. As this point you can guess what it was she was trying to rinse away. I was surprised because I thought it was originally Alesha and her hubby doing it out side. I later found out that Alesha works nights and was not there but Bill’s car was. You do the math.

On a Friday night, around 11PM, I went outside to smoke (and no, not a joint but a cigarette). Nobody was home next door. So I am out there minding my own business when Alesha’s hubby Bill, pulls into Icky’s drive way. I noticed that Icky was in the back seat, he was up front driving and nobody else. I didn’t know where Alesha was at work apparently. Icky got out of the back seat of the car drunk off of her ass. I could tell she was hammered by the way she walked up to the driver side door and the way she was talking on her cell phone to someone. I heard he slurring her words as she talked on the phone saying “Bill’s my boyfriend. You guys can fight over me cause I’m so beautifull … but he’s my boyfriend…”. I started laughing so i stood up and started to walk in thinking to myself … Ya, they are not fighting over her, they are fighting to get away from her is more like it… As I was walking inside, I heard Icky say “are you coming in?”. I assumed it was Bill she was talking to, and when I looked out the window, they both went in. An hour or two goes by and I am laying in bed watching TV with the wife who also was awake. I hear someone screaming. It is so loud that I can hear the scream over the TV volume. I immediately turn of the tv, Open the window (which at the time was closed) and listened. What we heard next was the icing on the cake. I could not believe it. To explain this in “text” is an understatement. Through there CLOSED window we heard Icky screaming at the top of her lungs “OOOOHHHHHHHH!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Now, anyone who has seen a porno where the chick is moaning and yelling does not explain the way Icky was yelling, moaning and screaming. She literally screamed like someone was killing her. “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” If that wasn’t funny enough already, what we heard next dropped us on the floor crying, we were laughing so hard… “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHH BILL!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH BILL …” … then silence. There was no noise for about 15 to 20 seconds. With in that 15-20 second time range the living room light came on for a few seconds and then kicked off. A few seconds later… “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YA OH BILL! OH BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY ASSHOLE OHHHHH YAAAA OH BILL! ..”.. ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! It is a regular Jerry Springer show next door. The mother is doing her son-in-law! This went on for another 5 minutes and then stopped. We were laughing so damn hard. Really, she was screaming out load we heard her through her CLOSED window, 30 feet away to our CLOSED window, over the TV Volume. We heard her as if you were standing 3 feet in front of someone who was yelling at you. That is how loud. It was almost ridiculous if it wasn’t so damn comical! I don’t think Alesha has any clue as to what is even going on either. Her hubby likes to keep it in the family apparently.”OHHHHH BILL OHHH BILLL OH MY ASSHOLE!! OH BILL…”

-Ruger