Stories
Nurses
Mar 1st
I know many of you have heard or read some like these…but here are some I haven’t seen before. The crazy thing about this list is that my wife has mentioned or told a story regarding most of every thing listed here. The fact that there is over 170 of them and someone not in the profession can relate or know of a bunch of these is even better.
- The front of you scrubs read: ‘Nurses…here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
- You occasionally park in the space with the ‘Physicians Only’ sign, and knock it over.
- You’ve ever told a patient to ‘move toward the light.’
- You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
- You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
- You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist… because you work with a##holes
- It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
- You ever told a patient he didn’t need to be dead to donate an organ
- You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
- You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them
- In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
- You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance”
- When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; ….when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
- You believe sick people don’t $itch
- You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
- You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
- You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
- You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
- You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
- You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
- You can’t cure stupid.
- You believe if it’s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
- You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
- You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn’t back up.
- You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked. More >
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading ...Age before Technology
Feb 3rd
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitch-hiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Publisher Unknown?
-Dan
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...If a tree falls in the woods…
Oct 7th
It was 1:38AM last night. I just dosed off when I heard what sounded like a bomb going off in the back yard. The house started shaking and the noise was unbelievable for about 2 seconds the house shook with what sounded like the house being ripped apart. Come to find out, our tree in the back yard had split in half and fell. The corner of our roof was damaged. Had the tree fell any other way, there would have been considerable more amount of damage than what actually happened. It fell so perfectly between the house and our neighbors house with minor damage to ours. I uploaded the pictures I took this morning check them out…
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...PETA Kills Animals?
Aug 27th
This is scary. If this is true, what the hell are they doing when they should be trying to get these animals into a home? Check out this link: http://petakillsanimals.com/
God forbid if any of this information is actually true: http://petakillsanimals.com/article_detail.cfm?article=134
-Dan
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Craig’s List Personals
May 7th
Again, not sure about the legitimacy of this but it is funny either way and could be true.
*/Posted to Craig’s List Personals:/*
*/To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last./*
*/Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST/*
*/I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings./*
*/I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize./*
*/I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason thatevening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911.45 A CP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?/*
*/It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. /*
*/I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet. /*
*/ I threw the wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that.. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service./*
*/I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA ’s office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). /*
*/I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky../*
*/- Alex/*
*/P.S. Remember this motto…….an armed society is a polite society!/*
-Ruger
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Elderly Foreplay
Dec 16th
Elderly Foreplay…
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed.” For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole.”
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Getting Skunked
Aug 25th
I have smelled skunks before. Driving down the road and seeing road kill of a skunk and then you drive by and the smell hits you and gets into your car etc… I think everyone knows what that smells like.
Saturday morning around 6 AM my wife wakes me up and says that our Golden Lab / German Shepard mix jumped the fence in the back yard. The dogs wake us up wanting out to do their business every morning. Sam is less then a year old and her name is Samantha (Sammy) for short. Luckily the other yard was also fenced in so she was trapped in our neighbors back yard. I went in our back yard to keep her next to our fence while my wife drove over to the other street to get Sammy. I was right there with her and didn’t notice any smells. My wife got in the other back yard and got Samantha and drove back home. When she pulled in the drive, she tells me that Sammy had been sprayed by a skunk. Being an older puppy that didn’t surprise me as she probably didn’t know that this could happen. I am thinking great, just great how the hell do we get the smell off of her now?
We have an enclosed front porch so when my wife brought Sammy up and closed the front gate, the smell hit me. She must have had a direct hit on her from that skunk. There is no way I can describe the smell, I’ll try but your probably thinking you know what a skunk smells like. Let me tell you, you do not. Being that close to an animaly that has just been sprayed with a direct hit on the face is the worst smell that has hever came into contact with my nostrils. My wife and I immediately went inside the house and left Sammy on the front porch. I made it inside and I just closed the door when I started gagging. I gagged 3 to 4 times before getting my reflexes under control.
Again, if you have ever driven by a skunk road kill, your only getting about 10 to 20 percent of the full experience. It smelled so strong that you could actually smell (at least what it smelled like to me) some type of chemical mixture that was so potent, that my eyes were literally burning and watering (not from breathing it in but just from the normal air that came into contact with my eyes). My nostrils were on fire not to mention the immediate gagging of almost throwing up. I don’t know how else to describe the smell. It did not smell like road kill skunk at all. The hint of road kill skunk was there sure but being that close it was more of a violent sharp stinging chemical smell. It felt like it could literally kill you if you inhaled to much of it.
Poor Samantha was drooling really bad and her eyes were watering extremely. Thats one hell of a way to wake up on a Saturday morning. We started researching on what the best course of action would be to remove the smell. What we found and used was almost to good to be true. It worked so good that Sammy only needed one bath in this concoction to remove the smell. She got hit in the face and right leg/paw. Below is what we found and used. I highly recommend this if you need to remove the violent smell of skunk.
This solution was supposedly invented by Paul Krebaum, an Illinois chemist:
- 1 quart of hydrogen peroxide.
- 1/2 cup of baking soda.
- 1 teaspoon of liquid dish soap.
Combine the ingredients at the time of use. This solution works to remove skunk odor because of a chemical reaction initiated immediately upon combining the ingredients. If it sits for too long, it will become ineffective.
Apply the mixture to the affected areas, let it set for about five minutes and rinse. If you need to repeat the process, you must create a new solution, as the chemical reaction quickly expires. Avoid getting it into your pet’s eyes, nose and mouth.
Dealing with a dog that has been skunked is a miserable experience. No matter how horrible the skunk odor that emanates from your dog, keep in mind that he/she was only fulfilling an instinctual curiosity. Your dog is probably suffering from this encounter more than you are; being sprayed by a skunk, especially in the eyes, is very painful, not to mention that a dog’s sense of smell is much keener then that of humans.
This may also lighten your animals coat but it is better then the obvious.
We also got some eye drops for the puppy because this mixture does harm your animal so make sure you use soothing eye drops on your dog after its bath. That alone made the difference from a scared puppy to a happy one. This mixture worked so well that we didn’t have to repeat the wash.
Our neighbors dog across the street got hit two years ago and used the tomato juice recipe. It didn’t work very well according to them – FYI. Take it from me, this mixture listed above is the miracle cure for removing skunk odor from your animals.
-Dan
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Wanted for Tax Evasion
Aug 7th
I am not sure where to start this story…
July 31:
I’ll just start it back when we got a US Postal Certified letter a couple of weeks ago. We ignored it thinking it was a debt collector of some kind and I was not going to waste my time and fuel to drive down to the post office to pick it up. Little did we know it was going to cost us a butt load of fucking money by not picking it up.
This morning after my wife left for work I was getting ready to leave when the door bell rang. It was a Summit County Sheriff’s Officer. He proceeds to tell me that he has warrants for my wife and mine’s arrest. Apparently, that certified letter was to show up in court regarding our un-payed taxes. Are you ready for this? The unpaid amount was $10.12. They sent the sheriff after us with warrants for ten fucking dollars! Are you fucking kidding me? Ten dollars! It was really for the missed court date but only because of the ten dollars. It’s not like my wife didn’t file for the city of Barberton taxes. She filed but something got messed up on the form and was off by $10.
The sheriff told us that we could just make an appointment for later today. We are apparently one of two hundred Barberton residents that they went after. The officer told us that he spoke with the judge and that if anyone gave him a hard time that he was to just serve the warrant and take them in. If they were nice, that they could just make an appointment to go downtown Barberton later that day. Which is what we did. This whole time, I am not believing my wife about the ten bucks. In my mind (of reasoning and common sense) there’s no way in hell the City of Barbertucky is going to issue warrants for our arrest for a measly ten dollars. We looked up our names in the Barberton city courts and we are now listed as CRIMINALS.
Check it out:
http://24.123.45.19/cgi-bin/mcaseno.cgi?num=0801911&sub=&pre=CRB&type=CR
Here is our Warrant info:
http://24.123.45.19/cgi-bin/mwarrant.cgi?pre=CRB&num=0801911&sub=&type=CR
So around noon we head downtown Barberton (were taking off of work to do this by the way) and had to be escorted in by the Summit County Sheriff Officer who served us the warrant. We did that and now were sitting in court waiting for the judge to return. Once court started, he called a few names and those people went ahead of us and then called my name. I approached the bench and he asked me if I knew what this was about. I said “I think so.”. He proceeded to tell me that we were only one of seventy people to take care of our taxes. He said all charges will be dropped if we just go to the financial office and pay the taxes that we owe (all that the judge knew was that we owed money he didn’t have the amount and I still don’t believe this is all over ten dollars).
We head over to the financial building and had to wait one hour since the only person that could pull our information was out at lunch. She finally comes back and pulls the information and says “Wow. Ten Dollars. Okay…” with a surprised expression on her face. So we pay it. $10.12 to be exact. I take the receipt and have to show it to the judge in order to drop the charges.
We end up doing that and when it was all said and done, our $10 tax turned into a $420 dollars that we owe now. $100 each for both my wife and I for court costs, $70 each for the issued warrants and some other minor court fee… Altogether it adds up to $420.00. Whats the moral of this story you ask? Go and pick up any fucking certified letters you get in the mail.
There should be a story in the Akron Beacon Journal this week sometime. They came out to our house and interviewed us and took pictures. I am not sure what they are going to say but should be interesting. When I find the article, I’ll post it as a reply here for all to read. Should be more or less about the warrants for our arrests for ten dollars.
- Trying to stick it to “THE MAN”: $10.12
- Warrants for our arrest and court fee’s: $420.00
- Having the city of Barberton bend us over and fuck us in the ass: PRICELESS.
-Dan
=================
UPDATE: Thursday August 7Th:
Channel 5 news just came by and interviewed us regarding this rediculous situation. They are in partnership with the Akron Beacon Journal and will be airing the segment tonight August 7Th at 11PM. Tommorrow, the story runs in the Beacon Journal.
(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5) Loading ...Girls Night Out
Feb 8th
I don’t know who came up with this joke but its ok.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 Cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
-Ruger
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...Women who don’t put out
Feb 3rd
I am not sure who wrote this but its pretty good.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.
-Ruger
(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5) Loading ... 
E-Mail This Post
(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5) Loading ...
Loading ...
Recent Comments