Despite.Org – Despise Everything!
Stories
Funny stories
Nurses
Mar 1st
Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy
I know many of you have heard or read some like these…but here are some I haven’t seen before. The crazy thing about this list is that my wife has mentioned or told a story regarding most of every thing listed here. The fact that there is over 170 of them and someone not in the profession can relate or know of a bunch of these is even better.
- The front of you scrubs read: ‘Nurses…here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
- You occasionally park in the space with the ‘Physicians Only’ sign, and knock it over.
- You’ve ever told a patient to ‘move toward the light.’
- You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
- You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
- You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist… because you work with a##holes
- It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
- You ever told a patient he didn’t need to be dead to donate an organ
- You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
- You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them
- In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
- You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance”
- When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; ….when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
- You believe sick people don’t $itch
- You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
- You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
- You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
- You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
- You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
- You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
- You can’t cure stupid.
- You believe if it’s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
- You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
- You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn’t back up.
- You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked. More >
Age before Technology
Feb 3rd
Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930′s 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitch-hiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Publisher Unknown?
-Dan
Tags: Appointment, Aspirin, Balls, Birthday, Bush, Butt, car, Cell Phones, Cheese, Comedy, Crap, Dan, free, Game, General, Government, Guns, Hey, House, Information, kid, kids, Medicine, Misc., Misc., old, Pain, Parents, Past, Rated, Rated: G, Rig, Stories, Tales of Interest, Tape, Teeth, Test, Tree, video, WormIf a tree falls in the woods…
Oct 7th
Posted by Daniel Clark in 4 - Painful
It was 1:38AM last night. I just dosed off when I heard what sounded like a bomb going off in the back yard. The house started shaking and the noise was unbelievable for about 2 seconds the house shook with what sounded like the house being ripped apart. Come to find out, our tree in the back yard had split in half and fell. The corner of our roof was damaged. Had the tree fell any other way, there would have been considerable more amount of damage than what actually happened. It fell so perfectly between the house and our neighbors house with minor damage to ours. I uploaded the pictures I took this morning check them out…
-Dan
PETA Kills Animals?
Aug 27th
Posted by Daniel Clark in Bad
This is scary. If this is true, what the hell are they doing when they should be trying to get these animals into a home? Check out this link: http://petakillsanimals.com/
God forbid if any of this information is actually true: http://petakillsanimals.com/article_detail.cfm?article=134
-Dan
Tags: Animals, Bad, God, Hell, Information, Misc., Not Rated, Peta, Petakillsanimals, Rumor or Fact, Scary, Stories
Craig’s List Personals
May 7th
Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy
Again, not sure about the legitimacy of this but it is funny either way and could be true.
*/Posted to Craig’s List Personals:/*
*/To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last./*
*/Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST/*
*/I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings./*
*/I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize./*
*/I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason thatevening, and it wasn’t that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911.45 A CP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?/*
*/It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. /*
*/I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet. /*
*/ I threw the wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that.. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service./*
*/I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA ‘s office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). /*
*/I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky../*
*/- Alex/*
*/P.S. Remember this motto…….an armed society is a polite society!/*
-Ruger
Elderly Foreplay
Dec 16th
Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy
Elderly Foreplay…
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed.” For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in …. You look like an asshole.”
Tags: Asshole, Butt, Comb Your Hair, Comedy, Elderly, Foreplay, General, Jokes, Legs, Lying In Bed, Old Woman, Rated, Rated: PG, Sake, Stories, Teeth, Yoga Style


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