Misc. | Dan's Blog

Archive for the ‘Misc.’ Category

Questions that make you go Mmmm?

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

questions that’ll make you say “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?”

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on
Gilligan’s Island
can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while
Pluto
remains on all fours?

They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

-Ruger

Tags: All Fours, Alphabet Song, Baby Oil, Binoculars, Carpool Lane, Corn Oil, Coyote, Deaf Person, Electrons, Enough Money, Font Family, Gilligan, Hearse, Man On The Moon, Sans Serif, Shoplifting, Stupid Song, Style Font, Style Text, Tall Buildings, Tv Style, Twinkle Little Star, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Two Cents, Two Songs, Vegetable Oil, Wile Coyote, Wile E Coyote
Posted in Comedy, General, Information, Misc., Not Rated, Rated | 1 Comment »

Pay Attention to your Co-Workers

Monday, March 31st, 2008

-Ruger

Tags: Co Workers, co-worker, Dead, Death, five days, Ruger
Posted in Comedy, General, Misc., Rated, Rated: PG | No Comments »

Hip Joint Replacements

Monday, March 24th, 2008

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS’ OFFICES!!!

If this doesn’t hit the nail on the head, I don’t know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics, with the same complaint. both have trouble walking, and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled, for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Need to see a doctor? Just go to a Vet!

-Ruger

Tags: Appointment, Citizen Need, Doctors, Family Doctor, Golden Retriever, Hip Replacement, Hip Replacements, Joint Replacements, Medical Clinics, Senior Citizen, Vet, X Ray
Posted in Comedy, Misc., Not Rated, Rated | No Comments »

Nurses Motto

Monday, March 3rd, 2008

My wife who is a nurse sent this to me:

You know you’re a nurse when…

1) the front of your scrubs reads ‘Nurses… here to save your ass, not kiss it!’

2) you occasionally park in the space with the ‘physicians only’ sign… and knock it over.

3) you believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4) you recognize that you can’t cure stupid.

5) you own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.

6) you believe there’s a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.

7) you believe that saying ‘it can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

8 ) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom

9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work in your pajamas is a cool one.

10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

12) you’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

13) you’ve even heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say ‘I’m afraid of shots.’

14) you’ve ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.

15) you’ve told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.

16) your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago s water tank.

17) you have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.

18) you believe that not all patients are annoying…some are unconscious.

19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.

20) you don’t get excited about blood, unless it’s your own.

21) you’ve sworn to have ‘do not resuscitate’ tattooed on your chest. Soon.

22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.

23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.

24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.

25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

26) you believe that ’shallow gene pool’ should be a recognized diagnosis.

27) you believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.

28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase ‘Wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?

29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled ‘Suicide: getting it right the first time.’

30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say ‘I have no idea how that got stuck in there.’

31) you’ve had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.