Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!”. Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”.
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mum asked, “Really? Small was it?”.
-Ruger
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me. . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated…
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?” The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
-Ruger
You know your old when in…
1977 : Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair
1977 : KEG
2007: EKG
1977 : Acid rock 
2007 : Acid reflux 
1977 : Moving to California because it’s cool 
2007 : Moving to Arizona because it’s warm 
1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977 : Seeds and stems 
2007 : Roughage 
1977 : Hoping for a BMW 
(ya, this looks like a 1977 beamer alright…)
2007: Hoping for a BM
1977 : Going to a new, hip joint 
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint 
1977 : Rolling Stones 
2007: Kidney Stones 
1977 : Screw the system 
2007: Upgrade the system 
1977 : Disco 
2007: Costco 
1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut 
2007: Kids begging to get heads shaved 
1977 : Passing the drivers’ test 
2007: Passing the vision test 
1977 : Whatever 
2007: Depends 
Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen.
Here’s this year’s list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 
Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. 
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 
They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from. 
They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss, de plane.”
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. 
McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter. 
Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that’s for those of you who have trouble reading…
-Ruger
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now. He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like i have ge written on my forehead? I don’t think so.Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right to which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break i’m not a carpenter and i don’t want to fix steps he says, does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don’t t hink so i’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home as he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house , he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, how’d all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him . He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?
She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? I don’t think so!
-Ruger
My wife who is a nurse sent this to me:
You know you’re a nurse when…
1) the front of your scrubs reads ‘Nurses… here to save your ass, not kiss it!’
2) you occasionally park in the space with the ‘physicians only’ sign… and knock it over.
3) you believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4) you recognize that you can’t cure stupid.
5) you own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.
6) you believe there’s a special place in hell for the inventor of the call light.
7) you believe that saying ‘it can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
8 ) you wash your hands BEFORE you go to the bathroom
9) you believe that any job where you can drive to work in your pajamas is a cool one.
10) you consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
11) eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
12) you’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
13) you’ve even heard a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, and twelve earrings say ‘I’m afraid of shots.’
14) you’ve ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
15) you’ve told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.
16) your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago s water tank.
17) you have seen more penises than any prostitute could dream of.
18) you believe that not all patients are annoying…some are unconscious.
19) your family and friends refuse to watch medical sitcoms with you because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down x-rays.
20) you don’t get excited about blood, unless it’s your own.
21) you’ve sworn to have ‘do not resuscitate’ tattooed on your chest. Soon.
22) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
23) your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
24) your idea of a good time is a cardiac arrest at shift change.
25) you believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
26) you believe that ’shallow gene pool’ should be a recognized diagnosis.
27) you believe that the government should require permits to reproduce.
28) you believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase ‘Wow, it’s really quiet, isn’t it?
29) you have ever wanted to write a book entitled ‘Suicide: getting it right the first time.’
30) you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say ‘I have no idea how that got stuck in there.’
31) you’ve had to leave a patient’s room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
-Ruger
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