A man was just about to tee off at his local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out,

Do you mind if I join you? I am a new member and haven’t got a partner yet.

Sure,

the man said,

You’re welcome.

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of each other. Part way around the course the man asked the newcomer,

What do you do for a living?

I’m a hitman.

was the reply.

You’re joking!

was the response.

No, I’m not.

he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini action sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

Here are my tools.

That’s a powerful telescopic sight.

said the man,

May I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right into our bedroom. Wow, I can see my wife in there and she’s naked! Wait a minute, that’s my next door neighbour in there with her and he is naked, too!

He turned to the hitman,

How much do you charge for a hit?

I’ll do a flat rate, one thousand pounds sterling every time I pull the trigger.

Can you do two for me now?

Sure, what do you want?

First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then shoot my neighbour. I have always considered him being friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off. That should teach him a lesson.

The hitman raised the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for some time.

Are you going to do it or not?

said the man impatiently.

Just be patient.

said the hitman calmly.

I think I can save you a grand here.

-Dan

-Dan

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

-Ruger

A Zebra Dies and goes to Heaven

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter,

I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?

St. Peter said,

That’s a question only God can answer.

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked,

God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?

God simply replied,

You are what you are.

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,

Well, did God straighten out your query for you?

The zebra looked puzzled and said,

No sir, God simply said You are what you are.

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra,

Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.

The zebra asked St. Peter,

How do you know that for certain?

St. Peter replied,

Because, If you were black with white stripes God would have said, You is what you is.

-Ruger

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men… That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…

The engaged girlfriend said:

The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.

The mistress stated:

Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat When I opened the raincoat, he didn’ say a word. We just had wild sex all night.

The married one then said:

The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?

-Ruger