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Smoke No More

Jun 24th

Posted by Daniel Clark in Boring

1 comment

Its been 7 months, 2 weeks, 2 days, 18 hours, 15 minutes, 24 seconds ago so far since I last had a smoke!!  This time I really quit.

 

-Danny

Dan, smoke

Pets and Humor

Jan 22nd

Posted by Kim in General

No comments

Kimberly J. Clark

February 5, 2010

College Composition, Essay #2

Pets and Humor

There are varied opinions about pet ownership and the relationship between owners and their pets. Do pets really help improve the health of the people they live with? Or are pets just another mouth to feed, another burden to take care of, and clean up after?  Are owners of pets any happier than people who don’t have a pet?

As a pet owner, I have to tell you that some of the most humorous moments I have experienced have been while with my pets. Currently in my home, there are three dogs and three cats. It all began with Rusty, Rusty is a 16-year-old golden retriever mix, who at times seems to be unable to tolerate me. His favorite human is my husband; if he is spending time with “Daddy” and I even say his name he will turn his head in the opposite direction and make it very clear that he is not interested in me. This is very funny to my husband and myself and no matter what I try to do get his attention it is to no avail. There is also Sam a 2-year-old yellow lab that showed up on our doorstep about one and a half years ago.

Sam is definitely the most humorous of the six and she is the one that I credit the most with keeping Rusty alive. In April of 2008 we received some sad news. The Vet had told us that Rusty had lung cancer and would not live very much longer. We decided that since Rusty did not have much longer, it would be okay to go ahead and let the puppy stay. Well since that day, we have experienced some quiet funny moments in our home.

I could give many examples of times when my family and I have had a good laugh either with or at one of the pets in our home. As I had mentioned before, Rusty has his own sense of humor and if you do something that he may perceive as strange human behavior it is as if you can see the laughter in his face. His eyes brighten, and he will get an expression on his face that resembles a smile. Sam, on the other hand seems to favor the cats in the house. I truly believe that she thinks she is a cat. On more than one occasion, she has been seen sleeping on the back of the sofa in the living room. Let me remind you she is no longer a small pup. I had to laugh aloud the day I heard a loud noise in the kitchen and went to investigate. What I found was an almost fully-grown yellow lab standing on the middle of the kitchen table. If I did not know any better at that moment, I would have almost expected her to let out a meow. I had recently read a study that was actually done with the intention of finding out if people who own pets laugh more often than non-pet owners. The results showed that people who own both dogs and cats do in fact laugh more often in a day than people who own only a dog or only a cat. Owners of one dog or one cat laugh more often than non-pet owners. (Robin Maria Valeri, Tails of Laughter: A Pilot Study Examining The Relationship Between Companion Animal Guardianship And Laughter.) I found this study to be very interesting. In my case, this is also very true.

Many different situations take place in everyday life that can be perceived as humorous. In my home they usually are related to one of the pets that reside there. Whatever the situation, everybody needs to have a little bit of humor in their day-to-day life. Without it a person can become very depressed and possibly have health related issues. Studies have shown that having pets in your home can help to improve health conditions, and decrease depression and this leads me to believe that when it comes to pets and humor the two go hand in hand.

Kim Clark

Author Kim Clark

Animal, behavior, cats, Companion, Composition, Depression, Dogs, Essay, Family, Golden Retriever, Kim Clark, pet owner, pet ownership, pets, Puppy, relationship, rusty, Sam, study, Vet

Betting

Jan 21st

Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy

No comments

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.  She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.  After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.  The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.  She placed her purse on his desk and replied,

$165,000.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.  The elderly woman replied that she made bets.  The president was surprised and asked,

What kind of bets?

The elderly woman replied,

Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.  The woman never batted an eye.  She just looked at the president and said,

Would you like to take my bet?

Certainly,

replied the president.

I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.

Done,

the elderly woman answered.

But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.

No problem,

said the president of the Bank confidently.  That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.  The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.  The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.  Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.  The president was happy to oblige.  The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

Of course,

said the president.

Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.  Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.  He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!

-Daniel

Balls, Elderly, lawyer, Money, President, Testicles, witness

Harold

Jan 20th

Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy

1 comment

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.  One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.  After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,

Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks,

What?

Sex!!

he replies Mildred exclaims,

Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!

I know.

Harold says,

but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.

Well, I can oblige.

says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.  Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.  She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!  Furious, Mildred yelled,

You two-timing son of a bitch!  What does Ethel have that I don’t have?

Old Harold smiled happily and replied,

Parkinson’s Disease.

-Daniel

Citizen, garden, manhood, pool, Senior, trousers

Handy Bags

Jan 11th

Posted by Daniel Clark in Comedy

3 comments

These were sent to me by a co-worker.  They are really funny.

[Show as slideshow]
Bldood
Gun
Duck
Teeth
Head
Face
Mail1615
Mail1716
Mail1817
Mail1918
Mail22
Mail33
Mail44
Mail55
Mail66
Mail77
Mail88
Mail99

-Danny

bags, Funny, handy

S.S.D.

Jan 10th

Posted by Daniel Clark in General

No comments

Well it’s official, I am now a registered cripple.  I finally got excepted into S.S.D. (Social Security Disability).  Just the other day I put in my notice that I will no longer be working.  I have not worked since last October 1st.  I have been on Short Term Disability since that date.  I just hope we can make it now on the reduced income.  It will be hard but I think we can do it.

I would like to thank Ohio.Net for being so tolerant of me.  Tom and John specifically.  They have been helpful through this entire process and even before I went on short term disability.  I am going to miss a lot of things but one thing in particular – Sandy’s Cookies!!

Thank you Ohio.Net/Bright.Net – Doylestown Communications, John and Tom!

-Danny

Cookies, disability, Doylestown, John, October, Ohio, S.S.D, Sandy, Security, short term disability, social security, social security disability, Tom

Happy New Year!

Dec 31st

Posted by Daniel Clark in General

No comments

Happy New Year!

Happy, Happy New Year, New Year

My Tests

Dec 25th

Posted by Daniel Clark in 2 - Little Painful

2 comments

My Paranoid Personality Disorder Test Results:

DisorderRating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Very High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

– Take the Personality Disorder Test –
– Personality Disorder Info –

My Depression Test Results:

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Very High
Dysthymia:Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:Extremely High
Cyclothymia:Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:High
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test

-Daniel

bipolar, bipolar disorder, Depression, score, test results

Merry Christmas!

Dec 25th

Posted by Daniel Clark in General

1 comment

Merry Christmas!

christmas, merry, Merry Christmas

I’m Back!

Dec 22nd

Posted by Daniel Clark in 3 - Painful

No comments

It has been a long time since I posted anything here.  I finally found (or I should say my doctor) a medicine that actually works on controlling my A.S. and R.A.  I am still on Morphine and Celebrex but Humira is the work horse that is keeping me mobile.  I should be returning to work in January of 2011!  No more showing up late or half days from being sick (fingers crossed).  These are my worst months and so far, I am not that bad.  I still hurt but nothing like it was before and during October.  Things are looking good, lets hope it continues!

-Daniel

Daniel, doctor, Medicine, Sick
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